“You should be ashamed of yourself”

Have you ever been told that?

I absolutely adored my Grandmother, to the moon and back! She was a huge fan of Jesus and her connection to him helped and guided her through some extremely traumatic experiences that many probably could not live through, like my Grandfather committing suicide, her brother and her sister committing suicide, and her son (my uncle) dying of an overdose at the young age of 27. That is just to name a few of the life changing events that literally rocked her world yet she (and I) endured, and through it all she still loved!

She would see Jesus in the clouds, in the trees and when she would get a vision she would literally drop to the ground in praise and tears, this connection she had was beautiful and it allowed my Grammy to have the faith she needed to be there for me. If it were not for her being the light in my life, who knows where I would be, perhaps not in the world or maybe in jail. For this I am eternally grateful to my Grammy and Jesus.

It was incredibly upsetting to her that I was not baptized, and did not experience Jesus the way she did. At first she tried to explain in a kind manner the reasons why I should be baptized, give me books and have me watch programs, yet I still refused. Eventually because of her beliefs and the fear of what may happen to me, she screamed “you are going to burn in hell if you don’t get baptized” . Those words shocked me and stayed with me, obviously until this day.

This made me feel ashamed, and “bad”. Every Time I would go to church I felt judged and guilty, for what? I guess for being a sinner?

So let’s follow shame and the toxicity of being judged or labeling someone as “bad”...it creates feelings of rejection and isolation. This leads to feelings of humiliation and unworthiness which then lead to feelings of self condemnation which can then lead to self hate, self destruction and self harm.

Now I think there is use for shame, if you have done something wrong that hurts others, but we accept it, we take responsibility and move on, but the shame and condemnation of being a “bad person” can lead you down a very dark path. If you feel ashamed, rejected and exiled by the tribe, then there is no use for you to exist right? So you run away and this can lead to risky behavior and a “fuck it” attitude, drug abuse, etc…this can a lead person who has been shamed even further away from society and totally off the map into no man’s land.

Once the person feels “cast out of society” isolated, completely alone and totally rejected, this is where it can get dangerous and the desire to seek revenge and to harm others can come into play. The person wants to hurt others the way he/she has been hurt! Some may seek revenge for the severing (like an umbilical cord) pain of being an outcast, then hate those who threw them into exile.

Everyone of us has an innate need to belong. I think it is extremely important to recognize how harmful our judgements can be, how it can kill a spirit and create a monster, and with this knowledge, hopefully we can become more inclusive across the board for everyone!! Not just some.

I have written about inclusion since I began writing at 11, I consistently felt abandoned and rejected by many and I was always looking to belong, but never quite fit in, yet I have always refused to pledge myself to any one way, sect, sector, or linear way of thinking…

I hope that with the awareness of the importance of mental health, that we can all grow, expand and be more accepting, understanding and forgiving of each other. Don’t get me wrong, self responsibility is huge here, but compassion and understanding are desperately needed.

Everything in life is a balance, nature is always trying to find balance and so are we.

If we can find a way to get back into our wounded hearts, and to rationalize with our minds, then we can find a way to be “reasonable” which is a balanced state, where things make sense.

Side note: I love my Grammy forever and have forgiven her for her judgment of me, she had strong beliefs, what can I say, she was a tough broad!