The Love Cult

"Life, Death, Rebirth" By Artist "N" 2022

I had way too much internal pain and tried just about everything to ease it, I tried self medicating, spiritual bypassing, ignoring, and RUNNING away from it!

I got divorced and I was incredibly lonely and insecure, I felt worthless, disappointed and ashamed, guilty, grief stricken, you name it. My parents got divorced when I was young, so I vowed I would NEVER get a divorce. Apparently the Great Spirit, Creator, G-d, the Universe, the Great Mystery or however you name it, had other plans for me.

Getting a divorce was extremely devastating, and utterly damaging to my ego.

I lost A LOT, my family, my possessions, my home, my hopes and dreams, it was all gone, just like that!

After living in a bubble for many years, I had to re enter the world again. I was naked, vulnerable and exposed, like a baby seedling. I was emotionally immature and foolish as well as extremely naive, with no idea of the harsh reality the many forms of crazy and scary that hid in the shadows of life…yet

It was time for my big debut. What do I have to lose? so I ran as fast as I could and plunged off the cliff thrusting myself face first into the big world on a quest to find myself, so I thought.

Through the connective resources of social media I found and met some very interesting people exploring uncharted terrain, and mystical landscapes.

Along my journey, I stumbled upon a lovely community of people frolicking, smiling and dancing on a sunny beach. I observed them from afar. They seemed so close, so cohesive and welcoming towards each other. They were hugging, loving, sharing food, laughing and eye gazing. They were playing instruments and singing together, they brought their kids and their dogs, their Moms and Grandmothers.

With the loss of family and stability I felt all alone in this world and was desperate for connection and belonging. So I took a chance and approached the group. Like a lost and abandoned puppy, they adopted me and took me right in. They hugged me and loved me and told me that I belong. I thought to myself “I have found exactly what I have been seeking, and I felt that destiny led me here” and it did.

I felt like I could share anything with my new community. Yet when I started telling them about my divorce and the anger and sadness I was feeling the response was not what I expected. They moved away from me as if my painful feelings were some sort of contagious affliction. They told me that those types of feelings were of a “low vibration” and that my “ego” is an illusion which must be dissolved. They assured me that we are all made of “love” and “light” which resides on a higher vibration, and is all that exists. They said we are all one, bowed and said “namaste” . They encouraged me to “follow my bliss”.

Although I had the inner feeling that something was “off” I ignored my intuition as my desperate need to belong took precedence. I put my “bad feelings'' and inner demons on the shelf, cutting off half of myself, then I followed my community right down the rabbit hole.

It was intoxicatingly exhilarating at first. Life was a buffet, and I had the pleasure of meeting all sorts of people and found myself falling in love with everyone! I marveled in the pink cloud of my new found love addiction and lost myself in all the “good feelings” that newness brings.

While I was frolicking around, lost like a kid in a candy shop, I received a call from my Mom letting me know that her test results were in. I took my Mom to her doctor's appointment, the nurses took the girls outside the room, my Mom and I looked at each other in terrified knowingness. The doctor solemnly walked into the room and told us that my Mother was terminally ill with cancer, and that she had 2 years to live at the most. It was devastating, we were both in shock, our world was turned upside down, and all the candy I had been collecting in my pockets fell to the ground, and so did we.

Life got horrifically real, all the “bad” feelings came back and the pink cloud I had been floating around on evaporated as the walls closed in on me, and my world turned gray and somber. What happened to the “love” and “light” my community told me I was made of?

I was foggy and confused. This quandary put me at war with myself, questioning the nature of my reality.

One auspicious day, my mother hooked to the machine, pumping chemo through her veins, it felt like time had stopped. I observed my Mom closely as she sadly gazed into the distance, she was bald and frail and lost. It was heartbreaking to watch her wither away and shrink right before my eyes. My stomach turned as I followed the long line of seats filled with chemo patients, their eyes glazed over and heavy carrying the awful burden and daunting task of facing their own mortality, and fighting for their lives.

My Mom had lived an extremely rough life, and had witnessed way more trauma and grit than me. She looked over at my hollow brainwashed eyes as if she had shape shifted into some angelic shiny presence commanding me to listen very closely. She said “I am going to tell you something very important that I never want you to forget, your individuality is all you have, it is your greatest gift hold it tightly and never let anyone take it away from you”

Her words threw me for a loop, she had one foot here and one foot on the other side, so I knew with all my heart that what she was saying was true, but I had been programmed as such that I could not understand or fully grasp the meaning. I wondered if I had been hypnotized and programmed to believe we were all one? And that there really is no “me”. Would I ever be “normal” again?

Lingering in a fog of oneness, my brain was twisted and tangled. I was finding it hard to do basic everyday tasks and handle the great responsibility of caring for my two young children, my Mom, my house and myself.

I knew that I had to change course.

I grabbed my “bad feelings”l and demonic ego off the shelf. I looked into my shadow, and dove into the subterranean world of “low vibrating” excruciating emotions.

I felt ALL my feelings, took cleansing baths, cried, wailed, wrote, and took any opportunity to release the abysmal pain I held within.

This period was one of the most trying and terrifying times in my life. I felt as though I was actually being forged through fire, my character chiseled, sculpted, welded and tormented. The discomfort I was experiencing was borderline debilitating.

I would wake up shaking, in panic, my toes curled, my body stiff, I would gag as I brushed my teeth. I could not eat or sleep.

I was immersed in the “House Of Love” hospice home with my Mom for an unbearably long 9 weeks (she held the record as the woman who lived in hospice the longest).

I felt as if I was crossing the bridge with her. It was chaotic, dark and stormy, there was thunder and lightning, it was loud and hectic, shockingly frightful, there was no light and no direction.

Yet somehow every day I drove to “The House Of Love” and found the strength and courage to get out of my car and walk through the hospice portal to be with my Mom to fulfill my duty to her as her daughter.

I was skinny and pale, I was weak, my nervous system and adrenals shot, I was twitching and fading away.

The nurses at hospice started to worry about me, so they had a social worker sit me down. It was surreal and metaphorical. I told him that I did not think I was strong enough to do this. He said “you would not be here unless you had the love you need to get you through, and you have that love” I still am not quite sure I fully understand what that means, or whether or not I was coherent enough to hear his words correctly. He assured me that when my Mom finally lets go, I would be lighter, but I will have holes, and that I would have to patch those holes and it would take time.

My Mom had finally crossed over, and I had to patch those holes and put myself back together.

It is clear to me that I had been sucked into some form of a cult, losing “identity”. My Mother’s words rescued me, and her death awakened me.