And Then I Wake Up...

And then I wake up…

My children have sprouted and blossomed into colorfully creative and beautiful young ladies with big feet and hands, with thoughts and ideas of their own. Where has time gone? Although it has been a whole lifetime to them, it’s been a mere catnap to me.

I look in the mirror to find that midlife has made its way to me… or I made my way to midlife…not so sure which way that goes. I lean in a little closer to see the grays rolling in, life revealing itself on my face and my body! My skin is losing elasticity, my stomach is drooping as gravity has its evil way with me. I begin to panic as I come to what seems to be a devastating reality. Has it been this long since I looked in the mirror?...

Searching my memory bank to answer my own question, I am transported to a specific day. I was in my mid-twenties sitting in my car looking into the mirror, for the very first time I noticed that my mouth was in the shape of a frown. I retorted in terror at the cruel observation. My late Grandfather told me to “never stop smiling” and I made a promise to myself that I would never let him down. I continued smiling even if I was dying inside, laughing even if the pain had become unbearable, cracking jokes at the doctors office, smiling and waving as people I could not stand passed me by, I grinned even when life was serving me humble pie and slapping me all around. I thought If I am smiling, then no one will ever know what is going on behind my smile. I was a great pretender who was hiding a shameful inner mess.

I closed up the mirror, it was too much to handle, I wasn’t ready for that sort of vulnerability. So I looked outside myself. I strived and I sought after what I thought was the “perfect life” . I was climbing that ladder like a hawk cloaked in a red power suit equipped with supreme focus and aim. I was determined to use every ounce of will and energy I had to “become something/someone” to “prove” I could make it here, and I too can have the “American Dream”, that’s what everyone wants right?

I found a perfect husband with perfect manners, and a perfect family. I was the perfect wife, and the perfect mother. We took the perfect pictures, and found the perfect home. We had the perfect life!

And then I woke up…

I looked in the mirror dressed in a moo moo, hair disheveled, dark circles, exhausted, lonely, depressed, heartbroken and lost. Kids running around me screaming, I was frozen in a big house where my husband slept. I thought to myself “but this is your dream, this is what you wanted” yes that was true, but when I finally got there, I was still the same unhappy and miserable person I had always been. At that moment I realized my house was made of sand, there was no real “secure foundation” and everything crumbled, inside me, around me, beside me and on top of me. I fell to the floor shattering into 1000 pieces. I wondered if I would ever be able to put myself back together again? I had hit the proverbial “rock bottom”. If I were to keep living, I had to stop living a lie. I rolled up my sleeves and gathered the courage to take my first step on a new path inward. I had to face myself and the countless layers upon layers of pain that had been piling up my entire life. I had a lot of unpacking, feeling, sorting, crying, sniffling, snorting, and organizing to do. It was like learning to live life all over again and I was back in kindergarten. It was the largest blow to my ego I had ever sustained thus far!

If I was to have the strength to pick myself up and continue on in this school of life, I had to let go of what felt like everything. I had to let go of what people thought of me, the idea of perfection, the disgrace of divorce, the guilt of not being “strong enough”, the humiliation of giving up, and the shame of walking away. Not to mention everything we had worked for, the house, the cars, the comfort, the rugs, the dishes, everything!

I have to thank my luckiest stars, planets, the creator and the entire universe that somehow I was given grace and the inspiration to change. I was provided the strength and endurance to move forward, when I did not think I could.

And then I wake up…

Here I am back at this moment, looking into the mirror at my grays, my face and my body awakening into my life once again after 12 straight years of serious boot camp type of healing, I mean deep dives right into my worst fears, insecurities, hate, rage, loneliness, sadness, grief, regret. Getting better and worse along the way, running from myself and my life over and over again, falling asleep and waking for short periods and then falling asleep again…repeat.

Today…I know how foolish it is to run away, it takes a whole lot of energy running off the path, and then having to run back. Running from myself only gets me further away from home, and that home is inside of me, no one else. I still squill and tremble at the frightening reality that it is me that must take responsibility for my life, but I get through it.

Today I refuse to abandon myself again, to stay even when times get hard and it takes every ounce of willpower not to run. In those hypervigilant and neurotic moments when I put on my running shoes and am about to run out the door, I take time to breathe, rest and reflect on why I want to run? I sit with my feelings and honor them even as uncomfortable as that is, I am having to learn to be my own best friend. To be my own support and to practice a whole lot of self care and nurturance. I am finally taking care of myself? Took me long enough huh?

Many steps into the inward journey, and have found some comfort here, in my body. I cleaned out the skeletons in my closets, threw out the unnecessary baggage, sorted and filed, and I sweep daily. I have made a choice to enjoy the journey and all spectrums of life, the heart wrenching parts, the grief stricken parts, the joy, the deep love, the insecurities. To meet the acquaintance of bullies, angels and kind folks, and sweet birds, to love, to hold, to be lonely, to be so tired and exhausted I can’t get up, resting and reviving over and over. Nature is ever changing…

I have become friends with my boundaries…I know when to say no, and what is mine or someone else's, I know how to reason and to gain clarity and I also know there will be times when there is only fog and I can’t see a thing, times when I feel numb and overwhelmed, times when I cry for no reason whether from joy or pain. I am more patient and kind to myself, to my gray hairs, and chicken arms, this body is my vehicle and it has been through a lot. It’s about time I give my body some love and attention! It is time to celebrate the wisdom that comes with age. Do I grieve for my youth, sure…but this is another one of life’s transitions, and I will work through it and eventually come to accept that we are getting older, every single one of us.

See, I spent years looking back, and forward, but mostly backwards stuck in my painful past. Now that I have (basically) made peace with my past which has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, I can be here now and I can spend a little time looking forward. But not too much, I don't want to take the chance of getting lost and missing it all again.

So cheers to life, presence, clarity, wisdom, experience, and “getting older” or maybe we will just call it “growing”.